Well yesterday (to say the least) was interesting.
I am proud of myself for working on my script yesterday to forgive Tony. The whole process was cathartic and inspiring. What you couldn't see was that I pretty much cried my way through it as I relived all of the hurt and pain that I had associated to that relationship. When I was done, I was completely exhausted. It was all I could do not to crawl into bed and take a nap. But instead what I did was spend some time listening to some meditation and energy work tapes by Jo Dunning that I had heard about last week while listening to a teleconference put on by Healing with the Masters. It is a program that Mary McLean has put together and it has been really wonderful to listen to. It involves some guided meditations and energy work, and WOW! it has been lovely.
Anyway, some really weird things happened to me yesterday. Early in the morning I had zipped off an email to Mary McLean detailing my issue about not being able to forgive Tony and asking her what I could do. This was pretty early in the am, and I know Mary is in California, so I figured that I wasn't going to hear back from her for a while, but I am an immediate gratification kind of girl. So I was impatient with the fact that I hadn't heard back. By 11 am, with still no word, I decided that I had to take matters into my own hands. I chatted with my friend Sue for a while about pretty mundane and insignificant stuff. You know, the kind of things girlfriends do for each other as we show our support and try to validate each others existance! (lol). Anyway, a little voice kept urging me to speak up. I was unsure, because there are things that Sue and I talk about, and she knows where I am on the whole bigger universe thing, but still, this was a leap even for our relationship and I wasn't sure if she would think that I had fallen off the deep end. Thankfully, she didn't and was even able to offer up that if Tony was sort of my whipping boy, and it was difficult to forgive him, maybe I needed to back up further. Start smaller. Forgive other people I am angry at, like my mother or my father.
Hmmmm.... Interesting.
Then I spoke my friend John. He is from California. We have been friends for more than 20 years and have seen each other through a lot. So I tested my dilemma with him. He added some interesting insights as well and that was great. I admittedly found myself resistant to some of his wisdom, so I don't quite know what was up with that, but I listened and then managed to turn the tables on him, which felt much better because I didn't have to deal with my own stuff. (More about the manifestation experiment I challenged him with later.)
In the end. After hashing this out with the two of them, I kept thinking, "I have to blog about this, I have to blog about this.) So I blogged. A very cathartic and theraputic blog, which as I mentioned, exhausted me. But probably in a good way. And then I did some meditation and energy work, which wiped me out even more, but probably again in a good way. And after that is where the interesting/weird stuff started to happen....
Showing posts with label Jo Dunning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jo Dunning. Show all posts
Friday, October 9, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
When it rains, it pours...
And I am not just referring to Morton's Salt or our crazy New England weather yesterday.
I have been working really, really hard on these manifestation experiments. And I can't say that they are going poorly, just that they are not going in the direction I expected.
It is all fascinating. Frustrating and fascinating. An overriding theme over the past two weeks has been forgiveness and letting go. As I read more and more information about this movement in our world toward energy work, or as I listen to teleconferences on the subject, forgiveness keeps occurring to me.
I have a lot to forgive, it is true. But my biggest stumbling block has been how forgiveness relates to my ex husband. On some levels I have forgiven him, and on other levels I have been unable to out of fear. Not forgiving him makes me feel safe. It keeps me from ever letting him back into my life. And if he is not back in my life then it keeps me and my kids safe. The biggest problem is, it also keeps me angry and that has proven to be detrimental to my being able to move forward.
This proves to be a bit of a double edged sword. Tony represents for me a trifecta - the perfect storm of all the shortcomings and inadequacies that I felt and experienced throughout my life. One of the reasons I left was because his volatility and unmanaged temper was not providing a safe, happy, peaceful environment for my family to thrive in. But now I find, that by not being able to forgive him and move on, I have the lingering effects of that anger remaining in my life. I see it in the way my children respond and react to each other. I feel it within myself. I don't have peace, I don't have calmness, I don't have happiness and freedom. I didn't really escape it at all and probably won't until I can find a way to completely release him from my life. And maybe that comes from forgiveness.
But how? How do I forgive the man who ruined my life?
I do try to forgive him, but often find I can't completely get there. On some levels I get that there was a role he had to play in my life. That there was a role that he had to play in his own life. That we are both on our own journeys and those journeys happened to intersect for a time. There are days when I can completely and objectively step back and say thank you to him - thank you. Because without his impact in my life I may not have turned out to be so strong. Without his darkness I may not have fought so hard to find the light. Without his anger and unpredictability I may not have so desperately sought to find happiness, peace and stability. Without his greed and selfishness, I may not have been driven as hard to find a way to give to others and to provide a good life for my own family. Without him, I wouldn't have my two beautiful children, who in their own ways have helped make me a better person.
Maybe that is how you forgive. By saying thank you. By moving forward and moving on and appreciating that my life is unfolding perfectly, and that he was just part of the plan.
So thank you Tony. I forgive you. I am moving on. I no longer wish to hold on to this experience and have it define me. I am choosing to let it go, to let you go. To release your vibration from it's hold on me.
I appreciate the role in my life that you have played. I appreciate that you have {so clearly} pointed out to me all of the things that I do not want so I can now move towards what I do. I can let you go now. I don't need you any more. My new course is charted and the seas are calm. I am moving forward from these last years with peace, gratitude and thanks for the role that you played in it. I do not wish to be sucked into your bottomless pit of anger and despair any more. I wish you well on your journey and wish you out of mine.
God speed. Be well. Thank you.
All is forgiven.
I have been working really, really hard on these manifestation experiments. And I can't say that they are going poorly, just that they are not going in the direction I expected.
It is all fascinating. Frustrating and fascinating. An overriding theme over the past two weeks has been forgiveness and letting go. As I read more and more information about this movement in our world toward energy work, or as I listen to teleconferences on the subject, forgiveness keeps occurring to me.
I have a lot to forgive, it is true. But my biggest stumbling block has been how forgiveness relates to my ex husband. On some levels I have forgiven him, and on other levels I have been unable to out of fear. Not forgiving him makes me feel safe. It keeps me from ever letting him back into my life. And if he is not back in my life then it keeps me and my kids safe. The biggest problem is, it also keeps me angry and that has proven to be detrimental to my being able to move forward.
This proves to be a bit of a double edged sword. Tony represents for me a trifecta - the perfect storm of all the shortcomings and inadequacies that I felt and experienced throughout my life. One of the reasons I left was because his volatility and unmanaged temper was not providing a safe, happy, peaceful environment for my family to thrive in. But now I find, that by not being able to forgive him and move on, I have the lingering effects of that anger remaining in my life. I see it in the way my children respond and react to each other. I feel it within myself. I don't have peace, I don't have calmness, I don't have happiness and freedom. I didn't really escape it at all and probably won't until I can find a way to completely release him from my life. And maybe that comes from forgiveness.
But how? How do I forgive the man who ruined my life?
I do try to forgive him, but often find I can't completely get there. On some levels I get that there was a role he had to play in my life. That there was a role that he had to play in his own life. That we are both on our own journeys and those journeys happened to intersect for a time. There are days when I can completely and objectively step back and say thank you to him - thank you. Because without his impact in my life I may not have turned out to be so strong. Without his darkness I may not have fought so hard to find the light. Without his anger and unpredictability I may not have so desperately sought to find happiness, peace and stability. Without his greed and selfishness, I may not have been driven as hard to find a way to give to others and to provide a good life for my own family. Without him, I wouldn't have my two beautiful children, who in their own ways have helped make me a better person.
Maybe that is how you forgive. By saying thank you. By moving forward and moving on and appreciating that my life is unfolding perfectly, and that he was just part of the plan.
So thank you Tony. I forgive you. I am moving on. I no longer wish to hold on to this experience and have it define me. I am choosing to let it go, to let you go. To release your vibration from it's hold on me.
I appreciate the role in my life that you have played. I appreciate that you have {so clearly} pointed out to me all of the things that I do not want so I can now move towards what I do. I can let you go now. I don't need you any more. My new course is charted and the seas are calm. I am moving forward from these last years with peace, gratitude and thanks for the role that you played in it. I do not wish to be sucked into your bottomless pit of anger and despair any more. I wish you well on your journey and wish you out of mine.
God speed. Be well. Thank you.
All is forgiven.
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